If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
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I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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