hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
