Having a random hookup so left but love u
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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