Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
