i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
