my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My liver just had a heart attack.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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