I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Girls should come with a carfax report
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
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I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
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You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.