Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
