I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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