I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
