I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The Olympian is in my bed
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
