Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
