I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
