He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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