Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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