he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
