saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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