whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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