im drinking this country out of the recession.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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