The maid of honor just puked.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
