Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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