I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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