I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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