this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
