If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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