Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
