I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
