she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
