he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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