just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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