Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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