Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
