He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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