Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
