Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
