and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize