I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
