I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
