Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
