you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
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im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
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What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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