im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
