you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
