i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
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how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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