Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We are two peas in an std pod
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
