i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
tell me about the eggs
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