she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
