You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You dont lie about slip and slides
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
