The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
