I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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