what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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