we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
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no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.