he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
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Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
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So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.