walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later