90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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