Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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