My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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