If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
