it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
